Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
