I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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