Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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