There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize