If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So many bounce houses so little time
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Found the puke drawer
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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