$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
