My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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