im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
