My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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