May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
