Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
