Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
is wine microwaveable?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
