my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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