i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize