all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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When are your genitals available?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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