I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize
