I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
