He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
