Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
