I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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