I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
