I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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