omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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