So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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