I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
