I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize