I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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