I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
