Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
