I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Randomize
