just tell him i said nine months
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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