i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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