Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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