Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
