i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
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The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
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Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.