I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i came on her dog
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have feelings that need drinking.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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