It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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