The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
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Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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