btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
