We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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