So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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