Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
