my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
