My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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