1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I have aggressive nipples.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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