If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
