I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
