Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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