dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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