one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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