My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
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We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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