I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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