I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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