Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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